SATIRE: Freshman student claims emotional distress after Final Exam performance



The following piece is a satire. All content and material cited in this satire is fiction and has been dramatized for authorial effect.

In light of his recent struggles on an English final at LFHS, a freshman student who wishes to be remain anonymous will be suing his LFHS English teacher and the Lake Forest High School District 115, claiming negligence of emotional distress and intense test difficulty. Despite marked apathy over the course of the semester, the student claims to have been “mightily trying” in the 12 hours before the Final Exam was scheduled.

“I was totally unprepared for the Final Exam going in as a result of the class and the teacher’s instruction,” the student explained. “I had no idea what the text that we read mostly in class was about, so I naturally felt unprepared and had no idea what to write about.” When asked if he ever raised his hand to ask a question to clarify the in-class reading, which happened to be Homer’s epic poem, The Odyssey, the student responded simply with a two-letter response, “H-Q.”

The teacher, who scheduled and led numerous individual and group study sessions on the material and possible essay topics on The Odyssey, its characters, and central themes, declined to comment in fear of parent backlash. Not only was the freshman student irate over his Final Exam score and the consequent semester grade, but his mother also directs fault at the teacher. “Lest we forget that my son fell while skiing and bruised his leg in Aspen over Holiday Break,” the mother mentioned. “He told me that he brought the book on the trip to catch up on the reading that he missed during one of his self-profiting HQ performances in class. I thought he was reading the book on his phone via the Kindle app we purchased for him.”

When the teacher, who, again, declined to comment, was asked how this score and the subsequent emotional state of the student would impact his college acceptance, the teacher appeared confused. Casting blame at the teacher, the student echoed his disapproval of the process: “This test shattered my dream of attending Vanderbilt. There, I was going to study medicine–you don’t have to know how to write about The Odyssey to help people.”

As of right now, an 87.6% is the student’s standing grade in English 1-H.  Last night around 12:48 a.m. CST, the student–despite lambasting the teacher in the media and in the hallway within earshot of the teacher’s classroom–crafted one more desperate plea via school email. The email transcript is attached below:

“I first wanted to tell you that your defiantly my favorite teacher. I checked Powerschool now and my grade is 87.6% and was wondering what you’re policy was on rounding up. I worked really hard this semester and would love an A- so that my GPA would be where I want it to be. Let me know if you offer any extra credit. I can’t meet in person–this week or any week–but can be reached via this email.”

When the teacher hadn’t responded by the morning start of the school day, the student claimed that he was adding ignorance of protest to the list of charges.