SATIRE: ‘The Grind’ adopts festival atmosphere to increase business



The following piece is a satire. All content and material cited in this satire is fiction and has been dramatized for authorial effect.

Though the LFHS coffee shop, dubbed The Grind, is already an impressively popular locale for high school students to travel to when they have a few spare minutes, a new alteration to shop’s “atmosphere” will certainly present a change of pace to many adults looking to get their caffeine fix. Per a school-wide email, Head Barista Maura Roast has decided to undertake an “experimental trial period in which the school coffee shop adapts its environment to mimic the festival atmosphere present at, for example, a Lollapalooza or Coachella.” Roast, who has witnessed the coffee shop’s ascension in popularity since its inception as a business last year, is eager to “get rollin’,” a phrase in which she used deliberately to imply an atmosphere conducive to EDM music and a variety of other related activities.

The students, the main source of business for The Grind, have raved over the gluten-free muffins and the signature drinks alike in 2018, heralding the shop as one of “5 places to travel during your 3-minute block break” according to The Forest Scout newspaper magazine. “Personally, even if I’m just waiting in line, I feel cooler if I’m waiting in line there,” mentioned one freshman student with a confused, sheepish grin and a mustache of soy milk.  As for the renovations, the students seem to be welcoming a change in decorative atmosphere that would go hand-in with the alteration in music, which is likely to feature Skrillex, Deadmau5, and other popular disc jockeys. “I mean, everyone loves Lolla,” mentioned the senior leader of the Mosh Club. “If we could recreate those plus vibes in the cafeteria, man, things could get extra.”

Though the reasons students flock to festival atmospheres in the summer months was researched heavily with student focus groups, parents and school faculty still had a hard time arriving on the key alluring factors of an overcrowded space with blaring music. “I even saw one young man dressed as a banana,” mentioned one bewildered mother. The main concern of parents regarding the re-design of the coffee shop’s atmosphere is its susceptibility to attract school PDA offenders due to its laissez faire rules enforcement. “I was already nervous about what was going on in those covert stairwells by the DMT,” mentioned one angry father. “Now I will call my child out of study hall, and supervise her at home!”

When going over the design and layout of the new coffee shop, Roast has mentioned accommodations made for tower speakers, a glow stick vending machine, and monitors with a live stream of the television network, Palladia, that features live concerts of the past. Roast has also petitioned school administration to be “more chill” about the drawstring backpack policy and the school dress code enforcement on what she referred to as “festival grounds.” According to Roast, “Ultimately, we want students to feel free, uninhibited by their Scout Day, Blue Day, or Gold Day schedules. We want them to feel a release when they walk into The Grind. We feel that music is a key well of passion for high schoolers, and channeling that can only help increase the creativity flow into the classroom environment as well.”

Though the launch date of the The Grind’s new atmosphere is yet to be determined, it is gaining buzz in the school community. According to some sources, a $5 Snapchat geotag has been purchased for The Grind, replete with neon colors and hallucinatory effects.

“You thought having a coffee shop was a step towards a millennial takeover?” mentioned one staunch advocate of the shop atmosphere re-launch, “What ’til we get a live DJ in the coffee shop.”