The following piece is a satire. All content and material cited in this satire is fiction and has been dramatized for authorial effect. The first piece, authored by senior Kyle Wix, is a sardonic take on girls’ Instagram photos. The second piece, authored by senior Elizabeth Porter, will be released tomorrow and is a satirical take on boys’ Instagram photos.
Kyle Wix, Senior: (satirizing girls’ Instagram accounts)
“Girl Devastated Over Low Instagram Like Total”
LAKE FOREST, Ill- Following the dismissal of her fifth period class, junior Courtney Scott quickly looked at her oversized iPhone 8 Plus in an attempt to avoid all possible eye contact while walking the halls. Upon opening the Instagram app and viewing her notifications, Scott realized that her post from earlier was yet to eclipse the 400 like total.
“I’m really disappointed this picture has yet to receive 400 likes,” said Scott in an interview with The Forest Scout. “I thought I did everything right, to be completely honest. My friend and I weren’t looking directly at the camera, we were standing in an inconspicuous basement, replete with illegal activity, and we had all kinds of 2018 celebration accessories on, including soft smiles.” With the New Year’s wave of Instagram pictures rolling in, Scott believed she would be able to strike gold with her New Year’s Eve celebration photo, but clearly the opposite was true.
According to Instagram records, the picture was posted Wednesday, January 3 at approximately 8:40 a.m. Scott thought this would be a good time to post in order to maximize likes, since her followers–especially the women notorious for liking, and consequently commenting “OMG. perfect,” on each other’s photos– would be checking their phones before diving into the block day schedule. Additionally, officials from the company stated that the school wifi was blocking student access to the site for most of the morning hours, which, according to Scott, “like, totally ruined my aesthetic. I was outraged by the block on ‘Gram. It’s not like we’re doing it during class.”
When asked about what she can do to maximize like totals moving forward, Scott was unsure of possible solutions. “More F2, I guess,” Scott stated. One idea that came to mind was a possible change to her profile picture. “I need something on there that says, ‘I demand likes,’ and I need something more attention-grabbing. Perhaps a picture of me in a bikini on vacation will #werk,” Scott noted. “Maybe a picture with sunglasses on, or more, like, you know, sliding off my nose so it gives off a sense of laid-back ‘vacation calm.’ Maybe I can have a friend by my side and neither of us focused on the camera candidly staging a laugh. That would work–I’ve seen that before.” Scott will also plan to spend an extra 45 minutes of time scrolling through Instagram in an attempt to observe why other high school girls get the high volume of likes that they do.
While the first post of 2018 was extremely disappointing for Scott, she does seem optimistic for success in the future. “The pain and the disappointment is hard,” she admitted. “I spent hours crying, or at least thinking about crying for attention purposes, as I scrolled through Instagram looking for the answers. The girls that give up after an experience like this are the ones that just move on to posting countless Snapchat stories, but I am Courtney Scott, and I will stay here on Instagram. I will earn the likes that my posts deserve.” Even if half of her followers are click-bait Instagram troll accounts, we’re with you, Courtney. Go get it.