When getting home from a long day of convincing yourself not to dropout of school, you look at your planner and your eyes bulge out. You have a quiz or test in six out of your eight classes. How is that possible? How can you possibly be tested in photography? Instead of starting to study, you start to theorize, which is totally not procrastination because it is important, about how you could have so much going on in all of your classes. Turns out you are not the first one to realize this. To question how the teachers all assign something all on the same day. Do they talk? Do they conspire? The answer: yes, yes they do. After some extreme detective work which included undercover work and intense research and interrogating, I have come up with a general idea of how the teachers secret society works.

I started with English Department. Now, everyone thinks English is an easy class or all the teachers are nice; however, you are sorely mistaken. I have found that the English Department was a low key kind of malicious. Students don’t realize how they are being manipulated by the English Department because they trick us with their unusually chill and relatable teachers or their “work days.” What most don’t realize is that underneath, English teachers are as conniving as the rest. When undercover, I asked an English teacher to spill the tea of this secret society. Because of the secrecy, my source as asked to remain anonymous (it’s Mr. Del Fava).

“We try and make all the student’s lives miserable,” Del Fava stated when asked if the department targets any sort of grade or sports group. Very fair of him to admit this. He confirms the existence of this society and even said it was his life goal to make students stressed. When asked about the English Department specifically he stated, “In English it’s easy because we can just assign a Writing Workshop or analytical essay.” So next time you think you are getting it easy in English by just having to finish your writing workshop or you are stressing because you have an essay due, this is what the English Department wanted.  

Now onto my investigation into the Social Studies Department. I was given cryptic answers by a certain US History teacher who goes by the name “Van Nuys.” You could tell he was avoiding the question but I was able to get a few answers out of him.

“I have no idea about this secret society that you are talking about.” This certain US History teacher then tilted his head and decided to blatantly wink two times, indicating that he definitely knows. He also confirms the running theory that teachers give assignments specifically after long breaks.

“If there were a secret teachers association-which again there is not-I bet they would have a cool constitution that required teachers to give extra hard homework on all long weekends and days before holidays or big school functions like dances or sporting events.”

Now my source never fully confirmed the allegations of a secret society, but his consistent winking and strangely detailed accounts of this society leave me to believe that there is one and he is definitely part of it.

Now here is where my investigation started to get a little tricky. As I got into Math and Science Departments, I started to receive the cold shoulder. When word got around that I was asking questions about a certain secret society, I started getting veiled threats. I would open my locker to see extremely complicated Geometry questions taped to my locker. This would trigger my PTSD of PSGH and my mental state would deteriorate. I would also hear whispers of people calling me the square root of negative 16 when I wore my glasses. As I was quick to figure out, this may or may not be the Math Department trying to silence my investigation. However, I was still able to figure out some workings of the participation of the Math Department. I heard of a certain partnership of Aronson and Goldstein. They often conspire to monopolize the suffering of math students and not just in their classes. I heard that their partnership is dominant in the departments and often get the most results of suffering output. I also was given inside information that Aronson actually might be the founder of this organization. As for some reason he put it, “I’m a founding member of the secret society back when I arrived on your earth in the 1300s.” This statement leads me to believe he may or may not be an alien as it is heard he does have a sort of obsession with them. However, just as any math student expected, his go- to assignment is textbook pages 1-1,000 odds.

Science was different. I didn’t get veiled science threats or science based insults. I was actually ignored outright. They didn’t care what I found out; they knew they were evil and loved having people know. The department also had a strange social hierarchy. The Physics Department generally dominated a lot of the activities as I heard they had a superiority complex. I often hear them say, “The Physics Department could teach the school.” The Biology and Earth Science teachers would generally stick to each other and the chemistry teachers were a little unhinged for me to really get some information on them.

I would assume it would come to no student’s surprise that this society exists. Also no surprise is that the Math and Science Departments gain the most about of stress output from their students. One of the inner workings of their meetings that I was able to figure out was they have a European Union sort of leading system where every department would rotate authority every quarter. As I know right now, I believe the English Department is in charge currently. So if you see an increase in essay writing, that would be why. Now for other departments I found that World Language is still trying to find a membership sport and Wellness is completely out. Electives will be brought in from time to time for an extra partnership but they don’t participate regularly. These people are evil. They enjoy the suffering of students. Don’t become fooled by their fun jokes or relatable behavior. They want you to be miserable in the end. They don’t care that you have sports after school or that you still have college apps to write. They thrive on the fact actually. They conspire. We have always suspected it but now I have investigated and seen it for myself. It is there! They have a Teacher Secret Society.