SATIRE: ‘Sorority Prestige’ outperforms ‘Academic Major’ as indicator of college choice in recent poll of LFHS females



The following piece is a satire. All content and material cited in this satire is fiction and has been dramatized for authorial effect.

In recent years, we’ve all been made aware of the importance bestowed on college sorority bids and “rushing” as a part of the higher education experience. In fact, a recent survey conducted by The Forest Scout revealed a majority of LFHS females answered that “Greek Life” and “Sorority Prestige” were the top two indicators for college destinations. “Climate” also scored high, coming in third overall among the seven possible indicators. Less popular answers included “Academic Major,” “Financial Affordability,” and “Philanthropic Opportunity.”

Schools such as Southern Methodist Unviersity in Dallas, Texas, Miami (Ohio) University in Oxford, Ohio, and the University of Colorado-Boulder were among the most popular “first choice” destinations for females. When asked to elaborate on why she chose to place “Sorority Prestige” over “Academic Major” in her hierarchy of determining factors for college choice, one senior student responded, “I may be in marketing for a decade or two, but I intend to be a Theta for life.”

While students, of course, have been urged by parents, academic counselors, and university liaisons to choose a school that suits their individuality, more girls are leaning towards destinations that, in their own words, “really enjoy football Saturdays,” and are places that they, “can see themselves enjoying.”

Though our state’s flagship public institution, the University of Illinois at Ubrana-Champaign, has still been a popular choice in recent years for LFHS females, even they are noticing that Lake Forest students are choosing to pursue academic endeavors in places with more desirable climates than central Illinois.

“It really comes down to Tri Delta,” mentioned a University of Illinois admissions representative. “When those girls post to social media photographs of themselves entrapped inside those giant Greek letters, it is the most positive marketing tool we have. We don’t have the weather, so we need the sororities. Our business and engineering programs speak for themselves, but it seems that no one is listening.” The university has already planned an amended schedule for the beginning of the fall term for the 2018-19 school year that has previously coincided with “rush week.” “It’s just too much for them to handle,” mentioned the representative. “We fear that in light of our football team’s recent struggles, our Greek life will end up keeping the university afloat.”

In probing deeper into the acute fascination high school females have with sororities, one student delineated her process for selecting a college rather eloquently. “I follow one girl on VSCO that I thought dressed well when I was a freshman. I assumed we had similar academic interests. But I scoured her social media accounts and she seems to be enjoying school because of her inclusion with [Delta Gamma].”

While LFHS has gone to great lengths to facilitate “real world” learning experiences into the curriculum in recent years, there has been some clamoring from high school girls to develop a more structured, “clique-based environment that fosters seclusion and promotes popularity based on status inside the high school.” That way, students could perhaps make decisions on their future having lived through the consequences–both positive and negative–of the Greek life system.