Let’s start with the facts. Godzilla is 393 feet tall. That is compatible to the height of about four Boeing 737 planes stacked on top of each other. I will not even get started on the fact that Godzilla also weights 164,000 tons. In comparison, King Kong only is 353 feet tall and has no official weight record because he fears what would happen if he had to fight someone in his own weight class. He is like a wrestler committing weight fraud.  

This is a huge size advantage that Godzilla has over Kong. Godzilla would be able to sit on Kong and the fight would be over in an instant. It would be the equivalent to watching an elephant fight a chihuahua. 

My incompetent opponent James Paul Best (yes, he is that guy who has two first names, ew) will make the argument that Godzilla is morbidly obese due to his BMI. This is just using red herring in the scheme of things. 

BMI has no real say in whether Godzilla is healthy or not. Scientists have proven that BMI is not an accurate tool to use in determining how fit one is. One study even says, “the best takeaway from the BMI controversy is to simply give that number less weight.” To put it simply, Godzilla is not obese, he is just a hefty guy; most of that weight comes from his sheer muscle mass, because muscle does indeed weight more than fat. So, my opponent’s argument that Godzilla is obese has no real weight to it. 

But Godzilla has more going for him though than just his sheer size. As a matter of fact, his abilities are also unparalleled. His signature fighting ability is his “Atomic Breath,” which is exactly as horrendous as it sounds. When he unleashes that thing, it not only burns everything to a crisp in its path, but it’s nuclear smell and radiation kills anything within a ten mile radius. I also have to give the lizard persistence points. 

When you think about it, this guy has grit. I mean, Godzilla literally survived a nuclear blast! It is what made him what he is. This makes Godzilla join the exclusive club of only two things that have survived a nuclear blast: the first being himself and the second being Indiana Jones due to the help of an opportunely placed refrigerator and some gophers. But, in fairness, Godzilla had none of those resources. He just had to buckle up and take that nuclear blast like a champ. He had no fridge to aid him; all he had was himself, and he survived. It also made him a better monster because of it. So not only does Godzilla have the physical abilities to win this fight, but he has the emotional backstory to inspire him to win this fight. The man survived a nuclear blast, and he is out for vengeance! Do you think the Cubs would have been as motivated to win the World Series if they weren’t fueled by a 108 year title drought? I am telling you, it is all in the emotional backstory. 

I will, however, give credit where credit is due. Kong does indeed have sorrow-filled past with his parent’s murder and all, but this carries no emotional weight in this fight. This brawl is personal for Godzilla, and the murder of Kong’s parents has nothing to do with it. 

Kong was just chilling on Skull Island for the last 40 or so years and lived there until Godzilla came around wreaking havoc. Then, the world recruited Kong like a division one football player to try and stop our emotionally-complex friend Godzilla. Godzilla, in a sense, is also villainized when he really is just kind of a cool guy. I mean, the world keeps trying to kill him when he is just minding his own business. If someone did that to me, I would be motivated to beat their so-called warrior in a fight too! 

My opponent also argues that Kong grows at an unfathomable rate; he grows so fast that by the time he will fight our dashing hero Godzilla, he will tower down on him. This simply is not true. If you really pay attention to the facts you will see that in Kong’s debut film “Kong: Skull Island,” he was significantly smaller than in the trailers for this upcoming grudge match. This may lead you to believe that he really does grow fast, but, in reality, “Skull Island”  was set in the 1970s. “Godzilla vs. Kong” is set in the present day, so instead of growing overnight, Kong had between 40 and 50 years to grow. On no planet would Kong grow so fast that his size would immediately overtake the stature of our strapping young lad Godzilla. Facts are facts: Godzilla is bigger and will stay bigger than Kong for the duration of the scuffle. 

You see, Godzilla has everything going for him in this fight to win: the abilities, the size, the strength, the emotional depth, and the heartfelt backstory he needs to pull him across the finish line. There should be no question about who will emerge from this fight victorious. Let me put it simply. Who would win in a fight, a bigger than average ape or a radioactive dinosaur?