Many people may write off this movie thinking, “its a nuclear dinosaur vs. a monkey; surely Godzilla will win,” but King Kong proves that size doesn’t matter.

In order to understand why Godzilla doesn’t stand a chance, it is important to look at the context of the films within this fictional universe. The first time we are introduced to Kong in “Kong: Skull Island,” it is revealed that Kong is approximately 104 feet; however, by the time of the events of “Kong vs Godzilla”, Kong is a whopping 353 feet. If we do some basic math we can see that Kong, on average, has grown at a rate of five feet per year. By comparison, Godzilla’s average growth rate—from the 2014 film to Godzilla vs Kong—is a pathetic four feet per year. Clearly, when it comes to testosterone, Kong takes the cake. A small difference, perhaps, but Kong is still the alpha male.

Some people may point to Godzilla’s gargantuan mass of 164,000 tons as an advantage; however, when we analyze the size of his limbs relative to his body it quickly becomes apparent that the majority of this mass isn’t being utilized as well as Kong’s due to Godzilla’s puny T-rex arms. And look, I’ll admit, Godzilla does have those thunder thighs, but he can’t do anything with them. Do we expect a 324,000,000 lb lizard to drop kick Kong? To put it simply, Godzilla can’t use his arms or legs to take out Kong because he is simply too chunky. Additionally, it is worth noting that Godzilla has a body mass index (BMI) of approximately 10,367, putting him well beyond morbidly obesse. While there is no official weight for Kong, we can use a weight-to-height ratio comparing Kong to the heaviest gorilla ever recorded—Phil the gorilla at the St. Louis Zoo—to estimate that Kong weighs at least 50,000 tons. While Kong is significantly lighter than Godzilla he is also faster and, as a primate, is intellectually superior in every way. Furthermore, Kong has been shown to use his environment to his advantage, using trees, rocks, chains, and debris as weapons. 

In the “Godzilla vs Kong” trailer, Kong literally creates an axe using part of Godzilla’s spine. Clearly, Kong is more adaptable and intelligent than Godzilla.

My naive opponent Cole Joseph would have you believe that Godzilla is the “misunderstood hero,” and that Kong is some sort of bully. This simply is not true. In “Kong: Skull Island,” it is revealed that Kong’s parents were murdered by other monsters on skull island. Since that point, Kong has been protecting his home, murdering monsters anytime they threatened the wildlife of skull island. Kong is literally an environmentalist crossed with Batman. Godzilla, on the other hand, creates tsunamis everywhere he goes killing thousands of innocent human beings. Additionally, he causes trillions of dollars to infrastructure throughout the films he is in, annihilating the economy and putting millions in poverty. Godzilla’s famous atomic breath also makes cities uninhabitable for decades to come thanks to the ridiculous amount of radiation he spreads. In short, Kong has been on the grind everyday of his life defending people, while Godzilla takes 100 million year naps, waking up only to destroy the occasional city and start the next worldwide recession.

“But, Jp,” I hear you dear naive reader saying, “What about Godzilla’s Atomic breath”.

Kong can dodge it, and we see him deflect Godzilla’s beam in the “Godzilla vs Kong” trailer with a piece of Godzilla’s own spine. Boom, your argument is destroyed.

I would like to conclude with a very fair and reasonable analogy. Imagine you are at dinner. Your 6 ft, 175 lb cousin, in the prime of his life, is arguing with your morbidly obese 80 year old uncle who is 7 ft, 525 lbs, and has bad breath. Who do you think wins?

So, who do you think will win (or, if you've seen the movie, who's side would you take)?

• Kong...obviously
• It has to be Godzilla

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Let’s start with the facts. Godzilla is 393 feet tall. That is compatible to the height of about four Boeing 737 planes stacked on top of each other. I will not even get started on the fact that Godzilla also weights 164,000 tons. In comparison, King Kong only is 353 feet tall and has no official weight record because he fears what would happen if he had to fight someone in his own weight class. He is like a wrestler committing weight fraud.  

This is a huge size advantage that Godzilla has over Kong. Godzilla would be able to sit on Kong and the fight would be over in an instant. It would be the equivalent to watching an elephant fight a chihuahua. 

My incompetent opponent James Paul Best (yes, he is that guy who has two first names, ew) will make the argument that Godzilla is morbidly obese due to his BMI. This is just using red herring in the scheme of things. 

BMI has no real say in whether Godzilla is healthy or not. Scientists have proven that BMI is not an accurate tool to use in determining how fit one is. One study even says, “the best takeaway from the BMI controversy is to simply give that number less weight.” To put it simply, Godzilla is not obese, he is just a hefty guy; most of that weight comes from his sheer muscle mass, because muscle does indeed weight more than fat. So, my opponent’s argument that Godzilla is obese has no real weight to it. 

But Godzilla has more going for him though than just his sheer size. As a matter of fact, his abilities are also unparalleled. His signature fighting ability is his “Atomic Breath,” which is exactly as horrendous as it sounds. When he unleashes that thing, it not only burns everything to a crisp in its path, but it’s nuclear smell and radiation kills anything within a ten mile radius. I also have to give the lizard persistence points. 

When you think about it, this guy has grit. I mean, Godzilla literally survived a nuclear blast! It is what made him what he is. This makes Godzilla join the exclusive club of only two things that have survived a nuclear blast: the first being himself and the second being Indiana Jones due to the help of an opportunely placed refrigerator and some gophers. But, in fairness, Godzilla had none of those resources. He just had to buckle up and take that nuclear blast like a champ. He had no fridge to aid him; all he had was himself, and he survived. It also made him a better monster because of it. So not only does Godzilla have the physical abilities to win this fight, but he has the emotional backstory to inspire him to win this fight. The man survived a nuclear blast, and he is out for vengeance! Do you think the Cubs would have been as motivated to win the World Series if they weren’t fueled by a 108 year title drought? I am telling you, it is all in the emotional backstory. 

I will, however, give credit where credit is due. Kong does indeed have sorrow-filled past with his parent’s murder and all, but this carries no emotional weight in this fight. This brawl is personal for Godzilla, and the murder of Kong’s parents has nothing to do with it. 

Kong was just chilling on Skull Island for the last 40 or so years and lived there until Godzilla came around wreaking havoc. Then, the world recruited Kong like a division one football player to try and stop our emotionally-complex friend Godzilla. Godzilla, in a sense, is also villainized when he really is just kind of a cool guy. I mean, the world keeps trying to kill him when he is just minding his own business. If someone did that to me, I would be motivated to beat their so-called warrior in a fight too! 

My opponent also argues that Kong grows at an unfathomable rate; he grows so fast that by the time he will fight our dashing hero Godzilla, he will tower down on him. This simply is not true. If you really pay attention to the facts you will see that in Kong’s debut film “Kong: Skull Island,” he was significantly smaller than in the trailers for this upcoming grudge match. This may lead you to believe that he really does grow fast, but, in reality, “Skull Island”  was set in the 1970s. “Godzilla vs. Kong” is set in the present day, so instead of growing overnight, Kong had between 40 and 50 years to grow. On no planet would Kong grow so fast that his size would immediately overtake the stature of our strapping young lad Godzilla. Facts are facts: Godzilla is bigger and will stay bigger than Kong for the duration of the scuffle. 

You see, Godzilla has everything going for him in this fight to win: the abilities, the size, the strength, the emotional depth, and the heartfelt backstory he needs to pull him across the finish line. There should be no question about who will emerge from this fight victorious. Let me put it simply. Who would win in a fight, a bigger than average ape or a radioactive dinosaur?