Many people may write off this movie thinking, “its a nuclear dinosaur vs. a monkey; surely Godzilla will win,” but King Kong proves that size doesn’t matter.

In order to understand why Godzilla doesn’t stand a chance, it is important to look at the context of the films within this fictional universe. The first time we are introduced to Kong in “Kong: Skull Island,” it is revealed that Kong is approximately 104 feet; however, by the time of the events of “Kong vs Godzilla”, Kong is a whopping 353 feet. If we do some basic math we can see that Kong, on average, has grown at a rate of five feet per year. By comparison, Godzilla’s average growth rate—from the 2014 film to Godzilla vs Kong—is a pathetic four feet per year. Clearly, when it comes to testosterone, Kong takes the cake. A small difference, perhaps, but Kong is still the alpha male.

Some people may point to Godzilla’s gargantuan mass of 164,000 tons as an advantage; however, when we analyze the size of his limbs relative to his body it quickly becomes apparent that the majority of this mass isn’t being utilized as well as Kong’s due to Godzilla’s puny T-rex arms. And look, I’ll admit, Godzilla does have those thunder thighs, but he can’t do anything with them. Do we expect a 324,000,000 lb lizard to drop kick Kong? To put it simply, Godzilla can’t use his arms or legs to take out Kong because he is simply too chunky. Additionally, it is worth noting that Godzilla has a body mass index (BMI) of approximately 10,367, putting him well beyond morbidly obesse. While there is no official weight for Kong, we can use a weight-to-height ratio comparing Kong to the heaviest gorilla ever recorded—Phil the gorilla at the St. Louis Zoo—to estimate that Kong weighs at least 50,000 tons. While Kong is significantly lighter than Godzilla he is also faster and, as a primate, is intellectually superior in every way. Furthermore, Kong has been shown to use his environment to his advantage, using trees, rocks, chains, and debris as weapons. 

In the “Godzilla vs Kong” trailer, Kong literally creates an axe using part of Godzilla’s spine. Clearly, Kong is more adaptable and intelligent than Godzilla.

My naive opponent Cole Joseph would have you believe that Godzilla is the “misunderstood hero,” and that Kong is some sort of bully. This simply is not true. In “Kong: Skull Island,” it is revealed that Kong’s parents were murdered by other monsters on skull island. Since that point, Kong has been protecting his home, murdering monsters anytime they threatened the wildlife of skull island. Kong is literally an environmentalist crossed with Batman. Godzilla, on the other hand, creates tsunamis everywhere he goes killing thousands of innocent human beings. Additionally, he causes trillions of dollars to infrastructure throughout the films he is in, annihilating the economy and putting millions in poverty. Godzilla’s famous atomic breath also makes cities uninhabitable for decades to come thanks to the ridiculous amount of radiation he spreads. In short, Kong has been on the grind everyday of his life defending people, while Godzilla takes 100 million year naps, waking up only to destroy the occasional city and start the next worldwide recession.

“But, Jp,” I hear you dear naive reader saying, “What about Godzilla’s Atomic breath”.

Kong can dodge it, and we see him deflect Godzilla’s beam in the “Godzilla vs Kong” trailer with a piece of Godzilla’s own spine. Boom, your argument is destroyed.

I would like to conclude with a very fair and reasonable analogy. Imagine you are at dinner. Your 6 ft, 175 lb cousin, in the prime of his life, is arguing with your morbidly obese 80 year old uncle who is 7 ft, 525 lbs, and has bad breath. Who do you think wins?

So, who do you think will win (or, if you've seen the movie, who's side would you take)?

• Kong...obviously
• It has to be Godzilla

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