The following piece is a satire. All content and material cited in this satire is fiction and has been dramatized for authorial effect. The first piece, authored by senior Kyle Wix, is a sardonic take on girls’ Instagram photos that you can read here. The second piece, authored by senior Elizabeth Porter, is posted below.
“Breaking Instagram News Alert”
Senior basketball co-captain Jeff Williams posted mid jump shot to promote attendance at tonight’s basketball game. We at The Forest Scout sat down with Jeff to discuss his social media efforts.
So Jeff, tell me about your latest post. Where did you get your inspiration?
“I wanted a picture where my face says, ‘I’m super determined’ but my body says, ‘this is totally natural.’ So I look confident, but not like… overconfident. But also humble. You know? So I looked through all the VIP pics, and this one just really did that for me.”
This is your third action shot this week.
“This is our third home game this week.”
So is that why you post?
“Yeah. I just want to remind people, again, that we have a game at 5:00 at West Campus tonight. So I put that in my caption, because that’s my best platform to reach my fans. It’s just really important to remind everyone to #ShowOut for the #Nation. It’s #Scout #SZN #Fam so the #Grind #CantStopWontStop.”
You look very happy in this picture. Did you make a basket?
“Yeah that was the winning shot at the Stevenson game. I didn’t make it, but it was awesome. It was the most intense moment of my whole life. It was spiritual.”
I see. During the off-season, you posted this picture of you standing in a line with four friends. Can you tell us about that?
“That’s just me and my boys hanging out.”
So why aren’t you touching each other? Why are your hands clasped in front of you?
“Why would we touch each other? This is our go-to pose. Really under no circumstances do we put our arms around another men, or ever voluntarily touch anywhere, unless it’s a team huddle.”
I see. Your neck muscles are so tense, you look like might have a medical emergency. It just seems unnatural, all of your body language.
“I’ll let you in on a little secret, okay? That’s how you get your traps to look huge. You gotta push your shoulders forward and kinda pull your chin into your neck like that and hunch your back a little. And then you don’t smile cause you wanna look tough, but also because your very uncomfortable.”
Many females would say this pose is not attractive and it’s quite obvious what you’re doing. What would you say to them?
“I guess, to the haters, I would say Instagram is a great place to show off your gains. Why would I relax my body and smile when I can look this good?”
Can you tell us again why you never smile in your posts?
“Like Dwight Schrute once said, ‘I never smile if I can help it. Showing one’s teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.’ God I love The Office. Great show. But yeah it’s just not my Instagram aesthetic.”
Let’s move on to the rest of your profile. In your bio you have an extremely obscure, unattributed quote and some seemingly meaningless hashtags. Can you shed some light onto why?
“My boys understand it. You really just had to be there.”
Ohh this next one is nice, is that your girlfriend?
“Yeah. She’s always nagging me to post pictures of us together. I don’t know. It’s a pain sometimes.”
And so the vacant look in your eyes, the fake smile, your body language, which is basically yelling…
“I know it’s like ‘Get me out of here. This is the 19th identical picture you’ve taken. HELP.’”
And you still have a post here from 2011.
“Yeah yeah yeah, I love that pic. That’s the first time like I broke 10 likes.”
Thank-you, Jeff. Good luck at the big game tonight.
