Graphic courtesy of Jillian Duer.

Hi, Scouts! This week I’d like to introduce what may (hopefully) become a series: Dear Scout. Dear Scout is a new, anonymous advice column.  You can write about any problem, and I (or someone more qualified) will respond with what we think would be the best course of action. You can send *literally* anything, and the best part is that because it’s anonymous, no one will know that it’s you!

To summarize my personal and professional qualifications: Hi. I’m Jillian. Some fun facts about me include that I have four  siblings, three  of whom  are older than me (and have led insane lives). I have  lived in four  different states, I learned to read when I was two, I can’t roller skate, I love movies and creative writing, and I have a mild obsession with frozen Cokes. 

If there is one thing you need to know about me, it’s that I or someone I know make bad decisions, so that you don’t have to. In the words of my mother: learn from others’ mistakes before you learn from your own. 

Well Scout,

One of my guy friends has recently reached out and tried to become closer. I really want to be good friends with him, but I’m also really worried that he might have feelings and I don’t want to lead him on. Also, I get really nervous hanging out with guys alone. How can I keep up and improve the friendship while staying safe and not hurting his feelings? 

Hey, Scout!

That constant seesaw you’re feeling of safety vs a social life is absolutely understandable, and something I’m sure that many people in your situation have felt. I think something that teenagers especially feel is this lack of trust within your gut. It’s hard to distinguish between an actual feeling of danger vs anxiety, but it’s something you always have to keep in mind. I have felt this way about many things. I have a notoriously off gut: I am calm in dangerous situations, and sometimes I feel absolutely awful in safe situations. What you’re feeling reminds me of this confusion: I feel it around heights, walking alone, and (most ridiculously) escalators. Sometimes I feel that fear just sitting alone in my room.

I was talking with my grandmother a few weeks ago about this very feeling, that sometimes I just feel randomly scared, and other times that fear can be directly related to something that happened. It is something every woman in my family has felt, it is the feeling that makes me nervous to get into close friends’ cars, and it’s the feeling my sister felt going to the beach the day my brother almost drowned. Your gut is something you need to trust, but you also have to give it a break: just like you, it’s still growing and calibrating.

I practice this with simple things: if I have a bad feeling, I only spend time with that person during the day or evening, in public, under my own terms. If that feeling fades, that tells me that person is okay, and it was just my gut being overprotective. On the other hand, if that feeling grows, I don’t spend time with that person anymore.

Some ways you can help your gut calibrate are by looking at things objectively, taking control of the situation (public places, people know where you are, even just driving your car instead of theirs), and seeking outside advice/company. Please stay safe, but understand that this apprehension can be closer to a yield sign than a stop sign. 

Dear Scout,

I’m in a lot of different friend groups that can’t ever be together because they all have beef with each other. How do I keep the friendships intact that I’ve had for so long when there’s so much tension?

Hi, Scout! 

That’s a very difficult situation to be in. I’ve spent a lot of time myself moving a lot- I’ve felt out of place in a lot of groups and friendships, and that’s completely normal. Another thing that’s normal is people not getting along. Whether it’s with you, or your friend, or your friend’s friend, etc etc.

I think especially in a high school setting, way too much value is put on the idea of having a complete, exclusive friend group. These ideals are the very things that are pushing you out, why would you want to apply them to yourself and others? If you like these people, even if they don’t get along with each other, there is no reason you should sacrifice that for a fleeting feeling of acceptance.

There are infinite (not technically, I know) opportunities to spend time with different people. What’s the harm with having a little variety in your life? Benefits of this variety include creating connections based on different parts of your life, more social stability (if one relationship is in conflict, the rest of them won’t fall apart), and more diversity in the people, perspectives and dynamics you experience.

There is a reason that colleges, banks, businesses, and more model themselves off of an ideal of diversity, or at least diversification. Don’t be sad because you can’t put all of your eggs in one basket, be glad you haven’t unintentionally made that mistake. I have, and when one of those relationships fell apart, the rest toppled as well. It was one of the most devastating adjustments I’ve ever been through, and I wouldn’t wish that on you or anyone else. 

Dear Scout, 

I have soooo much homework and I’m always busy after school. How do you recommend staying on top of schoolwork when I have so little time?

Hiya, Scout, 

A few months ago, my mom went to an acquaintance’s Christmas party. While there, she talked with the mother of one of my classmates, who expressed that despite her child being in several APs, and varsity for a very rigorous sport, she was disappointed because she felt that child wasn’t “doing enough”, or wasn’t “academic enough.” While I a) would never name that student, and b) do not remember who it was, I do remember envying that student for their intelligence and activeness, and being flabbergasted that their mother would ever be disappointed.

To put it simply: Lake Forest is a community that expects infinitely more from every person than that person can possibly, healthily give. This can be good; it pushes students to succeed, supports ambition, and creates higher rates of college preparedness. But it also increases expectations to a point where students can crack under the idea that they aren’t doing enough.

Even though my parents are very proud, and try not to put much pressure, this is something that I have felt to a point it can be paralyzing. At the end of the day, you have to keep your head out of the ground. This community is a bubble –  these expectations are not normal.

I’m sure that most students in this country wouldn’t be able to handle the amount of pressure you’re putting on yourself, and I’m positive that you would be impressed by anyone else with your resume. But ultimately, your emotional and physical well being is crucial as well. At the end of the day, one test isn’t going to ruin your life, nor will missing one rehearsal, one practice, one meeting.

Keep yourself accountable, but give yourself a break! When I am feeling particularly upset, or scared about how I’m doing academically, or socially, or in my extracurriculars, I ask myself: would I ever put this expectation on someone else in my position? Would I tell a friend who is feeling this way to keep pushing? If that answer is no, which most of the time it is, I know I have to lay off myself. Give yourself a break. Listen to your body and your heart to understand where the balance is off, and adjust accordingly. If that means giving yourself a break today, and putting 50% effort into your homework instead of 120%, that isn’t a personal failure. 

Dear Scout,

I have feelings for a guy and I think he likes me, but is also talking to other girls. How can I stand out???

My Dear Scout, 

Around a year and a half ago, my good friend had this huge crush on a guy. Normally she pines from afar, reading way too much into literally normal behavior, and never knows how the other person feels. But she tried something new, and actually talked to him. She admittedly modified her personality a bit –  showed interest in things she didn’t care about, started learning about a niche interest of his just for the sake of conversation, etc etc. She also wanted to change things about him: the way he dressed, the way he chewed his food, the way he cut his hair, and more.

They started dating, and the relationship was inevitably filled with turmoil as she stopped pretending, and he, ultimately, couldn’t be changed. If there is one piece of advice I have gleaned from her, it’s this: don’t go into a relationship expecting something different than the truth. Don’t change yourself to get what you want, because ultimately you’re kind of deceiving both that person and yourself. Just talk to him! What’s the harm?

If you are yourself, and you have a genuine connection with him, that should be enough for you. But trying to stand out is silly. Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t notice you, or see who you are? Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who only likes the idea of you? In my experience, and the experiences of my sisters and friends: treating a guy like a goal or a competition only sets yourself up for failure. 

You can submit to Dear Scout Here. 

*Letters may be edited for clarity/format.