Before I start, I have to get something out of the way: Please hurl criticism towards my opponent Samuel Bartelt Gardner. He has an opinion that differs from my own and that is not allowed on the internet. His email is [email protected]. He plays football and is self-conscious about his feminine hips and huge ears.

A high concept fantasy space opera and a story about an American archaeologist might not seem like they have a lot in common, but the more you think about it, the more similarities you will see. Things like them sharing the same writer and composer. Or them both having Harrison Ford as a key cast member. But there is one key difference: one is terrible and one is Star Wars.

Even though the quality between the series is the biggest difference, it is far from the only one. For starters, lightsabers are way cooler than whips. The crack of a whip might be cool, but it has nothing on the immensely satisfying crackling of the ignition of a lightsaber. Space age weapons just make for way better fights than normal weapons. 

Now some of you might point to the admittedly quite basic choreography of fights, such as Darth Vader vs Obi-Wan, as a weakness, but I think there is a beauty in the simplicity of the fight. What this fight lacks in both choreography and soundtrack, especially when compared to the later installments in the franchise, it more than makes up for with its gravity and dialogue. Even still, the worst Star Wars fight is miles ahead of anything in the grounded and dull combat of Indiana Jones.

My personal favorite part of Star Wars (and any story, for that matter) is the villain. And outside of maybe Bowser and The Joker, there is no antagonist that is more iconically evil in all of entertainment than Darth Vader. Whether it’s his sleek black helmet and suit or his foreboding, monotone and robotic voice, everything about him screams evil. It might surprise you that he only has a total of 34 minutes of screen time across the original trilogy, but I love this decision. It brings a lot more weight to his scenes and makes you understand just how big of a deal and how evil he is. Do you know what else is evil? That’s right, you guessed it: math.

If you add up the Rotten Tomato scores and average them out for both Indiana Jones and Star Wars, you get an average of 89% for Star Wars and a measly 83% for Indiana Jones. Now I’m just a regular guy, so I can understand why you might disagree with me. But disagreeing with both expert critics and math? 

Before I lay my case to rest I have to address the elephant in the room. Yeah, Luke kissed his own sister. So what? Everyone makes mistakes. They didn’t know. Indiana and his dad made out with the same girl. That’s super weird. I rest my case.