The following is a recap of the most recent episode of ABC’s “The Bachelor.”  All opinions stated in this piece are that of the author’s.

Well here we are, week two. It is only week two and the number of times that we have been reminded that Michelle is a teacher and played basketball in high school and college could last an entire season. And this week’s episode is just another reminder of that. 

From what we have seen so far, Michelle isn’t going to be the one causing the drama this season so production must’ve turned to the contestants, because wow I am kind of shook. Some of these men are just complete F Boys who have zero clue how to dress. I mean one guy puts his occupation as a “Pizzapreneur,” and wears animal print shirts to cocktail parties…

The first group date of the night included Romeo, Brandon, Rick, PJ, Will, OLumide, Casey, Danny, LT, and Peter. Truthfully, I had to look up who these guys were because it’s so early in the season I have no idea who anyone is yet. The first group date of the season is…TEACHER THEMED. How original. Michelle was accompanied by three fifth-graders (someone please let me know whose children those are because I was very confused).

The men were questioned about math, spelling, and asked to follow a simple chemistry lab. Michelle and her three helpers found it humorous and also slightly concerning when the men were unable to spell words like a limousine, and do mental math multiplying 2021 by 18. Personally, I would get both of these wrong, especially with fifth graders yelling “COUNT FASTER” and struggling to think clearly on national television. 

The best part was that Peter – who I had no idea even existed – kept whispering “Michelle Michelle Michelle,” trying to get her attention during one of the activities. One of the fifth graders screams at him to LEAVE HER ALONE. At the rate they were going, those fifth-graders should be hosting The Bachelorette, they already appear more mature than Tayshia and Kaityln. 

When asked to spell the word narcissist, Will decided to write “Peter.” Why would this be a word on the spelling list? I have no clue, but the fifth-graders sure got a laugh out of that one. On the other hand, Peter was literally fuming with rage, as his face got red that it looked like he was going to pass out trying to stare down Will. 

In his confessional, he said, “I’m not a narcissist! I was making tremendous progress! I was shining in that group. What about me! What about me! What about me!” I wasn’t sure if this was a joke or genuine at first, so wow, clearly not a narcissist. 

The rest of the night continued with the two arguing at the cocktail portion of the group date. Michelle was trying to ignore it while having conversations with the other men, but at some point, it was impossible for the yelling to go unnoticed. Michelle and Peter have a little chat and he says the arguing has really begun to open old wounds. What wounds? How often does this guy get embarrassed in front of middle schoolers? Serious props to Michelle for handling this with maturity – I would’ve burst into laughter and sent him home. 

At the end of the night, Brendan gets that date rose. 

Jamie had the One on One this week. Their date was pretty cut and dry for the Bachelorette franchise. The two were tasked with rock climbing to ultimately get to their picnic. I guess, when I say it out loud, it is a totally over-the-top date that I don’t see myself doing anytime soon, but for the brand, it’s pretty spot-on.

The two talk about what their respective family lives were like growing up. And while Jamie’s may have been different from Michelle’s, it seems like they ultimately have the same goals for the future. As you can tell from my lack of enthusiasm, Jamie is not a fav and not that interesting to me.=

The second group date of the week is…. BASKETBALL THEMED. Am I surprised? No. Am I disappointed? Yes. Prior to the date starting, Joe is shown on Facetime with his mom, learning that his basketball coach has passed away. Wanting to push on, he gears up for the day. 

The date starts out with all the men playing basketball, warming up, and such. It then ultimately turns into all the men watching Joe and Michelle play each other in a flirty sporty way. Joe is clearly the favorite here, by both Michelle and myself. 

In a confessional, we learn that Joe was, in fact, “Mr. Basketball” of 2011, which is apparently a very prestigious title in Minnesota high school basketball. And oh, what do you know, Michelle was “Ms. Basketball Runner Up” of 2011. And wow it shows. The two literally do not miss – granted they probably did and it was edited out, but in that case, production did a great job. 

If these two were to be together, the entire Minnesota high school basketball franchise wouldn’t even know what to do. The date ended with a 5 v 5 game, with the winning team joining Michelle for drinks and convo later. The blue team was truly destroying the red team until Michelle gave Joe a motivational pep talk. Then, it became neck and neck with the Blue team ultimately winning by one point. Since Joe single-handedly carried the red team’s comeback, he was awarded MVP and could join the winners for the rest of the night.

When the rest of the red team losers returned home, they were pretty unbothered by Joe – until Jamie, who wasn’t even on the date and was already safe for that week, started to create drama. He began to create speculation about Michelle that she was spotted in Minnesota “booed up with a light-skinned baller,” who I am assuming is referring to Joe. He continues to discuss how Michelle is basically wasting their time. 

For whatever reason, Jamie thinks this is a good time and idea to inform Michelle that he has been “hearing conversations” that have taken “a life of their own” about her character and intentions with Joe and the rest of the men. Immediately, Michelle freaks out but has to suppress her feelings as the rose ceremony starts. She speaks to Tayshia and Kaitlyn, upset, and decides to cancel the rest of the cocktail party – nice job Jamie.

The men are all confused, wondering what happened, and who said what, but ultimately  Nayte, Rodney, Martin, Rick, LeRoy, Spencer, Casey, Chris G, Mollique, Olu, Chris S, Will, Romeo, LT, Clayton, and Peter all get roses. The men are ready to jump at the opportunity to defend Michelle and figure out who created these rumors, setting the stage for what will certainly be an interesting week three.