A Year Without Patrick

Photo from Carolyn Kaefer

Staff Writer Carolyn Kaefer and Patrick Roemer before prom in 2019.

Carolyn Kaefer, Staff Writer
May 18, 2021

A year without Patrick: It’s an unreal sentence to write.

On Mother’s Day last year, only a couple of days after he passed, I met with Patrick Roemer’s mom, Fronzie, who agreed to share her first Mother’s Day without her son with me. I felt more connected and comforted by just being with her and sharing stories about Patrick.

A year later, we talked about the challenges of all the firsts without him: The first Christmas. The first birthday. The first anniversary.

“The first year for me has been a year of mostly feeling numb,”  she said. “But people are there for you for so many of the firsts. As we are living through this first anniversary, my feelings are becoming more real.”

A year later, “forever is starting to settle in,” she said.

“Now I hear from many that have experienced the loss of a child that the second year is actually much harder than the first. But I’ll get through it.”

Last May Patrick died by suicide. I knew him for about two years, and the pain I felt was unbearable. I cannot imagine the grief and pain a mother must feel when she loses a child.

Roemer says she found some solace in therapy.

“I have the most wonderful therapist that has helped me to understand both the physical and emotional aspects of trauma and grief. We explore what is happening not only in my mind, but what that does to my body. It would be fascinating if it wasn’t so heart-wrenchingly painful,” she said.

Friends and family helped, too, she said.“ I also surround myself with friends and loving family. They have kept me afloat these past 12 months.” 

She finds ways to handle her grief in healthy ways, which I find extremely inspiring. 

Eventually, I found help, too, but it took other people to set up meetings with social worker Mr. Dan Maigler because I was resistant to seek help and to find healthy coping mechanisms. 

Paws for Patrick

It’s a good thing I was pushed to talk to Mr. Maigler, who was one of the best resources for me during this time. He always knew what to say, even if it meant telling me things that were hard to hear, such as understanding how death is an inevitable part of life.

Mr. Maigler and Mrs. Roemer both said they found some comfort in Paws for Patrick, the non-for-profit set up in Patrick’s name. It provides emotional support animals to people suffering from mental illness.

Patrick and his dog, Cici. (Roemer family)

The group has received more than 75 requests and more than 100 people have joined to support the mission. This month, the organization brought dogs to LFHS for an emotional recharge for students.

“ Knowing that we can help give the love of an animal to a young person struggling with mental illness, depression, anxiety, etc. gives me some peace. I truly feel Patrick smiling when I see a Paws for Patrick recipient smiling with their new ESA, or when I get to hear from happy ‘clients’ or when our therapy dogs pay someone a visit,” she said.

May is Mental Health Awareness month. Suicide is the second leading cause of death for people ages 10-34, and suicide has increased 35% since 1999.

Mrs. Roemer said she hopes to help break “the stigma” surrounding mental health. 

“ We have put a lot of effort in getting the word out about mental health, not only with our ribbon tying event but also with events throughout the month, like our mindful meditation, Zoom strength workout, animal shelter drive, swag day.”

The Stages of Grief

I found comfort in the fact that she and Mr. Maigler also experienced the stages of grief. 

“Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Depression, and Acceptance.  We do not move through them like chapters in a book, but in a whirling vortex of feelings in a complicated life that is impacted by so many other stimuli while we are also grieving,” Maigler said.  “I spend as much time as I can in denial. That has been easy in a year where every day feels like part of a never ending dream.