The Paranoia Begins Next Week


Rory Summerville, Managing Editor

Next Friday, starting at 3:30 p.m., there is to be no mercy.

The senior class’s annual game of Paranoia is scheduled to take place on April 9, and the buzz is growing. Paranoia is a popular tradition where the senior students group into teams and attempt to “kill” the members of the enemy team using nerf guns. All players will be on edge for the next few weeks wondering who could be following them or lurking in their bushes waiting to get a shot (it’s called paranoia for a reason). 

Needless to say, the toy shelves at Target shall soon be empty.

To make sure that the game runs smoothly as possible, Kerrigan Weston has opted to organize and run this year’s brawl. 

“I decided to organize Paranoia because it is something a lot of the seniors have been excited about for a while, and I just wanted to get it going as soon as possible,” Weston said. “I remember watching past seniors participate and get super into it, and I just couldn’t wait for it to be our turn. I think this year especially it’s important that we make the most of what we have and try to come together as a class!”  

Just like in past years, Paranoia has rules that are crucial to make sure nobody gets hurt or in trouble. One of the biggest rules is that all the “kills” must be filmed. There are also several safe grounds, which include LFHS (could you imagine a nerf war in the middle of the halls?), DPM, LBMS, CROYA, and places of worship. Most importantly, no illegal activity is allowed- one cannot break into the enemy’s home to shoot them! For the full rules and information, check out the Instagram page @lfhs2021paranoia.

While Weston may be the organizer of the game, it will not stop her from playing as well. 

“I think my team is stacked with strategical thinkers, and I am extremely confident we’re going to bring it home,” she said. “However, there is a prize which might motivate some teams more than others. We just want bragging rights!”

The game has not started, but the trash-talking has already begun. 

“I’m most afraid of the feelings that are going to be hurt after we destroy certain teams,” Morgan Bielski said. “Considering our nerf gun collection of over 30 guns combined, I’m feeling like our chances are pretty high. The team strategy cannot be revealed at this moment.”

Many seniors are already trying to decide which opponents may be the most dangerous and how to take them down. 

“I’m most afraid of Molly Fisher because she’s playing with her soccer team and she knows me very, very well. I think that our chances are not the highest because we aren’t very planned out and not very nerf gun experienced. Our strategy is obviously a secret,” Kiley Rabjohns said. 

“I’m most worried about Colin Sloan because he’s going to try and get me out,” Julia Turinsky said. 

Teammate Stewie Swift described Sloan as “an absolute sharpshooter”. Swift also believes his team has a great chance of winning, due to Luke Larsen being a “strategy expert”. 

Despite his overwhelming confidence in his team, there is one player who Swift does fear. 

“I’m most worried for Abby Wise because she is deadly and a cold-blooded killer who straight-up has it out for me,” he said. “My team’s strategy to never be together so that we can’t get ambushed and our motto is show no mercy.”

Kylie Perkins has a more simple approach: “My strategy is to try and not get out in the first round.”

Kristin Fisch isn’t taking any chances throughout the game, as she claims she will be sleeping with her gun. 

Sign-up for Paranoia ends this Friday, April 2nd! Make sure to go get your nerf guns ASAP. Don’t trust anyone, don’t let your guard down, and always stay strapped.