The Forest Scout

Kairos Secrets Exposed-A Satire Piece

Ashley Bufe

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I’m sure you are all aware that the Kairos kids leave today to begin the annual fall retreat. The buzz has started; everyone has been asking the questions of “Who are the leaders?” “What do you do?” “Where do you go?” “What are the weird items for?” “Why do people change?”  I have done some further investigation to find out what really happens on this retreat. I was unable to directly quote my sources due to the confidentiality of the retreat, but I was glad to find some answers to the most commonly asked questions.

Student quotes

“It’s a common misconception that it’s not a cult, but….it is.”

“The naked baptism wasn’t as awkward as I thought it would be.”

“The sword fights with the wooden spoon were pretty weird and random, but some fun.”

“I came home for the retreat and I had to explain my parents that all bruises were from wooden spoon sword fights…..they were so confused.”  

“I didn’t realize the necklace represent an Eggo waffle till I got home from the retreat…..I felt pretty disappointed.”

“Wearing bathing suits in a church didn’t feel right.”

“It is required to go to the beach after breakfast at Egg Harbor.”


Teacher quotes

“I feel like they come back different for a week and then go back to their same old annoying ways.”

“Going on Kairos isn’t a good excuse for not doing your homework.”

“I really like it when student come back from Kairos because it’s nice to see them pretend to be good people for a week.”

“I was teaching my class and a kid’s backpack was left unzipped during a test so I went over to double check that he was cheating and using his textbook but instead it was the bible.”

“I don’t know why kids keep doodling weird waffles on their paper.”

These quotes stay true to what really goes on during the Kairos retreat. Although my sources were limited, I was able to obtain some key information. I think we can all agree that we all know what exactly goes on during the retreat and that there are no secrets. Stay tuned for our expose of the CROYA retreat.

About the Writer
Ashley Bufe, Author

Ashley Bufe is a senior at LFHS who is an active member of the Cross Country team and Varsity Soccer team. She is always up for a bubble tea run or a walk...

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