This article was written as a satirical piece and by no means reflects the opinion of the author.

When confronted with the question what do you want to do today, many stare on bleary-eyed because there is simply nothing to do. After a couple minutes of silence while your friends finish their snapchat streaks, one so boldy offers an idea: “Hey, why don’t we go to my place and watch the college football game?”

The audacity. The sheer level of impudence uttered in this single sentence is unparalleled. Go to your house? And watch college football? Sure, why wouldn’t I want to watch universities exploit students who risk their bodies simply to afford the cost of attendance to that very school? And of course, let me support the development of CTE in perfectly healthy athletes in peak physical condition.

Okay, so maybe not football. Yet, his confidence unwavering, your friend offers yet another idea: “Well, then why don’t we go out to eat? What about Chipotle? How about a burrito bowl? The chicken is great!”

The nerve. The temerity. Go out and eat chicken? Have you seen the size of those cages? Those poor birds can’t even separate their feces from their food! I can’t be seen supporting the mistreatment of animals by eating meat that wasn’t raised free range in the Alps and were fed non-gmo, organic, kosher, gluten-free, vegetarian, vegan, corn but who also had the option of a diversified diet including, but not limited to, berries, seeds, and mealworms.

“Okay, so not chicken. Let’s just get coffee!”

This man has the gall to suggest getting coffee? If I am to be caught dead drinking a cup of joe then I might as well exploit the farming communities myself. Those poor, unfortunate souls have been taken advantage of by the multi-billion dollar coffee industry that benefits from deforestation and water pollution. This isn’t even taking into consideration the sheer number of cups, packaging, and staws thrown in the bin after America drinks its morning cup of joe. Plus caffeine addiction alone. Why bother even drinking the coffee when I can snort the caffeine right away? It will save me the money I would have otherwise tipped the barista.

“Then we can go home and I’ll make us a meal. I just went to the grocery store.”

What a ludicrous thought! The amount of plastic used in grocery packaging alone could kill every single innocent fish in the ocean before it makes its way up the food chain and kills me too!

“Let’s go to the cinema then. I have yet to see the new Halloween movie.”

Yeah, actually I’ve heard that one’s pretty good. That could be fun.

“Alright then. Great. I can drive.”

There’s the problem. Cars. Pesky cars producing all that CO2 that is killing the earth. Can’t take a bus either. It may save CO2 but public transportation promotes the spread of disease. Also, have you ever been on a bus? There are strangers on the bus. They smell funny and give me weird looks. Probably because I smelt them.

“Fine. Let’s just go for a walk in the nature reserve.”

At that point, we’re basically litter. You must’ve thought about that one.

“Fine! We’ll sit here, staring at this wall until the gentle embrace of death whisks us away from this cruel world full of consequences tied to every single action. We will perish knowing that we never did anything that caused any travesty. We can die knowing that we did nothing at all.”

Sounds like a plan to me.