This column mentions sexual assault. 

Since the #MeToo movement gained traction in 2017, more women and men are standing up against their sexual offenders–most notably celebrities–and exposing the criminal nature of their actions.  Despite the attention from those cases, there are still many victims who suffer in silence—some within our own school.

Despite so many coming forward to share their stories of survival, many more victims choose not to speak out.  In the next couple weeks, my In the Shadows series will look at some of the leading reasons why victims often choose to stay silent, including slut-shaming, stigmas surrounding male victims, and harmful phrases and concepts associated with sexual assault.

The Culture of Slut-Shaming

Social worker Dan Maigler once worked with a girl whom he refers to as one of his “hall of famers.”

She could never articulate her trauma, though he knew there was something underlying that she chose not to discuss.  Some time later, when she was in college, she called Maigler, letting him know that she was about to go to her therapist but wanted to admit something to him beforehand.

“A man in her church had been molesting her for six years,” he said.  The heartbreak didn’t end there, however, as she continued with what Maigler considers one of the most “heartbreaking things ever.”

She said, “Do you think I’m a slut?”

“This idea that I would think that of this young girl having this experience was just a stab to the heart,” Maigler said.

This is the reality for many girls facing the impacts of sexual assault.  Many women fear the idea that people will see them as “easy” or a “slut” after they were violated—a concept which stems from the fact that all too often women are shamed and berated for the number of people they have been intimate with.  There is a double standard existing prominently in today’s society that if a girl “hooks up” with multiple guys, she is labeled a slut, while the boys are high-fived and patted on the back.

“A girl kissed a guy, and all of a sudden everyone is mad at the girl because she had a thing with someone else,” said Maigler.  “But there’s no blame placed on the guy she kissed.”

The result of this harmful culture is a lack of reporting.  Maigler described this concept as one of the “hardest things” about his job.

“It’s such a helpless feeling when we know about a boy who is assaulting girls around the school, and we can’t do anything about it because none of the girls are ready to come forward,” he said.

This connects back with an idea of shame and guilt that also holds people back from reporting sexual assault.  If women are shamed into this idea that they are a slut because of what happened to them, it’s only a matter of time before they question if there is truth existing somewhere in that label.

This toxic culture causes girls to stay in the shadows rather than expose a person.  Even worse, too often, when a girl does decide to speak up, this slut-shaming tendency prompts people to discredit her immediately.

People often ask, “Well, what were you wearing?” “Did you flirt with him?” “Why didn’t you just leave?”

Those questions have easy answers: 1. It doesn’t matter, 2. It doesn’t matter, and 3. It’s not that easy.

Maigler described options during a sexual assault situation as an evolutionary concept that appears in all mammals, including humans: “fight, flight, or freeze.”

“It’s just so much more complicated when you’re in that environment,” he said.

It’s unfortunate, but many women feel there is no way out of their situation and just freeze as they are violated.  Using this as grounds for slut-shaming is simply ignorant; it’s not like they wanted to be there, but they sensed an emergency, and knowing fighting or fleeing was not an option, they just did nothing.  That does not mean they participated or reciprocated; it simply means: They. Did. Nothing.

These quick, common questions fired in an attempt to find flaws in a victim’s story make women feel completely invalidated.  Even if they know their story is true, doubt from friends and family may force them into silence for fear of the blame being turned back on them.

“It makes a girl feel like, how could I feel safe if I’m just going to be judged and questioned?” said Maigler.