‘I had so many thoughts in my mind and nowhere to put them’

Suicide is a scary topic. Not only for the people thinking about it but also people who are worried about someone they love doing it. I have been to both places. 

I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and severe depression in November of 2018. I take anti-depressant medication every morning to help with some of the mental instability I face, which I hate. 

I also see a therapist about every week, which I wish I didn’t have to go to. I love my therapist, but I just wish I was a teenager that didn’t struggle with mental health issues. 

But, quite honestly, it’s not realistic in this day and age. 2020 has been one hell of a year, and I’m sure many of us have felt nervous, uneasy, upset, disappointed, sad, and frustrated with the situation we are in, which is completely understandable. 

When colleges ask me what events I have been through that have affected my drop in my GPA, I have a lot to put down, more than I’d like to admit. I was injured before my freshman year of field hockey, so I didn’t bother trying out because I knew it would be impossible to make the team if I couldn’t play for a bit. For me, that’s one of my biggest regrets I have from high school. 

I have lost a good couple of friends, but I’ve also found some friends that I know our relationship will be carried out beyond high school. I went through a tough breakup, although we are now on good terms. But, to top it all off, the coronavirus wasn’t the best way to finish my junior year of high school. At that point, everything became too much to handle. 

I have been out of school for an extended amount of time, over two weeks at a time,  twice in my high school career. The first time, I was put into a mental health facility in April 2019 instead of going to school. If you know my friend Carley Walker, she calls it “mental health school,” which couldn’t be more accurate. 

At the facility, I sat through lessons I didn’t want to listen to, got yelled at for talking during “class,” and spent about seven hours a day there. I was able to meet some of the most amazing people from around the area that understood what I went through and still talk today, even though we weren’t supposed to communicate after treatment. 

The second time I was out of school was this past March, just before schools were shut down due to coronavirus. I started 2020 on a rough road and I almost drove into the guard rails. I wrote a just in case suicide note, with no intention of following through with the action. My parents found this suicide note, panicked, and took me to the emergency room. 

The four hours I spent alone in the ER were the longest four hours of my life. I was furious at my parents for taking me there, so I had them wait in the waiting room while I was in the back.

I was in a super-thin hospital gown and only given one blanket; I was freezing. Parts of me became numb, especially my brain. I sat in that room on the bed thinking about God knows what. The experience was so traumatizing that I can’t even remember what was going through my head during it. 

Finally, at 12:15 am, a psychiatric evaluator came into the room and asked me some questions. Once I answered, she told me that I wasn’t going home that night. 

That’s when I started to heat up again; a single tear fell down my face, a tear of I was frustrated that they didn’t believe me when I said I would keep myself safe. In the moment, I had no again, I had no idea of actually following through with hurting myself in any sort of way. Because they were unsure about my mental state, i spent the next five days in an inpatient psych ward, which was my personal idea of Hell. 

I stuck out like a sore thumb there. There were patients that had attempted suicide, had manic episodes, had attempted self-harm, people who ate bars of soap to get sick, and even someone who attempted to kill her parents with a butcher knife. 

It was a scary place to be, and sleeping through the first night in the ward was difficult. I had so many thoughts in my mind and nowhere to put them. 

It seemed to put some things in the ward and put other things in perspective for me though. In no way am I trying to compare my situation to others, but my case was a lot less severe than the other patients. I wasn’t a threat to myself or other people. However, I need to reiterate that just because your problems seem smaller than another person’s, it doesn’t mean that your problems are little things that you just have to get over. Someone’s smallest struggle could be your biggest struggle, and vice versa. 

To conclude, if you need help, please don’t be afraid to get it. There are so many resources available, whether it be a friend, family member, medical professional, or others. I am always here to help any of you. whether it be a phone call, text, email, really anything. 

Stay safe, spread awareness, and keep your head up. You got this.

This story was originally published on Heswall’s Instagram page.

For help, please visit/call/email

The National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

Text-A-Tip: For Lake County, text LAKECO to 1-844-823-5323

LFHS Student Support Service Social Workers:

Lisa Huffman [email protected]

Maggie Harmsen [email protected]

Dan Maigler [email protected]