This breaking news story is a satire. No students were charged with crimes, and we don’t know of  a class action that was filed… yet.

Senior Billy Gardner and his Morning Announcements Administration have been fabricating fun facts that have caused irreparable harm to the LFHS populace. 

Gardner co-conspired with seniors Alex Clark, Sarah Bires and Bridget Mitchell as part of an elaborate misinformation campaign. Authorities surprised Gardner, the mastermind behind the plot, on April 1 and brought him to an undisclosed location for interrogation. 

The Forest Scout’s investigative unit, Watercooler, has traced connections between the four seniors and donors in California. Shortly before in-person classes were suspended, a “fun fact” stated that the original name of Los Angeles was “El Pueblo de Nuestra Señora la Reina de los Ángeles del Río Porciúncula.” However, according to Los Angeles historian Doyce B Nunis Jr, the original name was actually “El Pueblo de la Reyna de los Angeles,” as it was what appeared at the top of the first handwritten map of Los Angeles in 1785. The name Gardner used was allegedly mistakenly used by a Franciscan priest in the mid-19th century and eventually ended up on the city’s Founder’s Plaque. 

Rumors of these dealings have been circulating LFHS for the past week. “I feel threatened by those corporate elitists. They’ve sold out the truth just to appease their donors,” said senior Will Pattie.

In files leaked to Watercooler by a figure who identified themself as “Edward S,” a pro-Río Porciúncula group of corporate donors based in California is funding the group’s misinformation campaign. 

In early March a “fun fact” claimed that the most common birthday is June 10 and the least common birthday is June 11; however, during his interrogation, Gardner confessed that “we actually made up the birthday fun fact, and I’m disappointed that not a single soul had the gall to call me out on it. Trust nothing you have not verified yourself; this is the lesson we attempt to give the bleating flock [of] sheep that is the credulous mass of the people that [comprise] the population of LFHS.”

A TFS reporter disproved this “fun fact” after discovering that the most common birthday among all registered US births between 1994 and 2014 is Sep 9 while the least common is Dec 25, according to the website FiveThirtyEight. 

Despite the Morning Announcement Administration’s claim that these fabricated facts “are designed to make people think critically and force them to wake up as they ponder the implications of a world where the fact holds true,” several community members are experiencing severe trauma as a result of the misinformation. A group of these members united to file a class action lawsuit against the four seniors. 

“I went home and told my family that I have the least common birthday in the country,” said a distraught student with a June 11 birthday who requested anonymity. “I even started a Facebook page for people with the same birthday as me, but I had to take it all back because of the deceit, lies and corruption of the Gardner Administration [not to be confused with the Administration of NHS President William Jennings Gardner].” 

Another “fact” alleged that the most popular genre of music was jazz. Files obtained by Watercooler revealed that the conspirators determined it by means of a vote of those in the room. A 2019 report by the International Federation of the Phonographic Industry states that pop and rock are the two most popular music genres – jazz was not mentioned.

“I dropped out of school and formed a Duke Ellington’s Jazz Orchestra tribute band,” said another unnamed plaintiff. 

Last Tuesday, via a Schoology video, the group said that a fun fact claiming carrots scream when chopped and placed in a salad was “somewhat true.” Watercooler, however, established that there was “an intent to mislead the student body and faculty” at the time of the announcement of the fact. 

The investigative unit reached out to the National Institutes of Health for insight into the carrot fact, but the organization did not comment citing a “lack of available researchers.” TFS reporters found a study that alleges plants release ultrasonic squeals when stressed, but scientists claim that “stressed” does not include being chopped and placed in a salad. The Administration also failed to state that the scream is inaudible to humans.

“The fun fact caused me to go several days without eating,” said an unnamed vegan in the class action. “I thought I was causing these plants excruciating pain.”

A court date has not been set for the four students.