Recent events have demonstrated that our country is deeply and profoundly divided. Now we prepare to sit down together and gorge ourselves during our nation’s great meat-eating holiday. I thought I could help to bridge that divide by answering the top 15 questions the herbivores are tired of explaining to the carnivores.

Why are you a vegetarian?

Okay, fair enough. What this person really wants to know is if you’re a danger to their meat-eating ways. The scariest answer to them: the animal rights freak, the religious conviction, or the health nut.

How long have you been a vegetarian?

We all have a rehearsed speech to insert here. I don’t know if people ask this because they want to know if they still have a chance of reverting me back to carnivore-ism or if they are actually just curious.

So, what do you eat then?

*Internal eye roll* Everything. But meat. Since people genuinely want an answer, I’ll list the first ten foods I think of, until they seem convinced I don’t subsist on grass, twigs and berries.

Do you eat eggs? Do you drink milk?

Yes I eat both. That’s a vegan, they tend to look down on us vegetarians.

You still eat fish right?

No, since when did fish stop being an animal? Though there are pescetarians, we all know they are phonies.

Did you know red candies/parmesan cheese/white sugar isn’t vegetarian?

Yup, I know, and I eat it anyway.

What would happen if you ate a hamburger?

I would die! Just kidding. Frankly, I don’t know, probably nothing. Maybe I’d throw up. But I’m not going to test it out.

If you were on a deserted island with only chickens or something, would you eat them?

I would rather eat meat than die, yes. Most people seem seriously relieved when I tell them this. Luckily for me, however, it’s unlikely I’ll be stranded on a deserted island with only chickens.

Doesn’t this just smell so good, do you want a bite? *waves piece of bacon in my face*

No, thanks. I have been passing up meat for years; that soggy piece of breakfast meat isn’t going to change me.

How do you get enough protein? Are you iron deficient?

Thanks, mom. Honestly, lots of foods have protein and iron, and I’ve managed to survive until now without meat, so I think it’ll be okay.

Is anyone in your family a vegetarian?

No, I chose to be a weirdo all by myself, no one made me.

How can you not eat meat!? Don’t you just crave it all the time? 

I can not eat meat because it is not necessary to my survival. And no, I haven’t craved it since the first month of being a vegetarian.

Do you care if I eat this (insert food containing meat) in front of you? 

This gets back to why I’m a vegetarian. I suppose if I was a radical PETA member, I might consider that a terrorist act. I have never met a vegetarian who cares when someone eats meat in front of them. But thanks for being considerate, I guess.

If you were going to start eating meat again what would be the first thing you ate? 

Again, with the hypotheticals. What do you want me to say? Bacon, a hamburger, pepperoni pizza, or maybe a turkey sandwich? Those seem popular.

Do you eat animal crackers?

Ha. Ha. Ha. Hilarious.

And at Thanksgiving, it’s true, we don’t eat the turkey *gasp*. If you must ask a few of these questions, be my guest. I know people are curious and trying to make conversation. Please don’t be the person that asks all 15, rapid fire, as if they are preparing a research paper on vegetarianism. In the end, vegetarians are people too.