The following piece is a satire. All content and material cited in this satire is fiction and has been dramatized for authorial effect.
March 2017 Report
The following incidents and suspensions are from Dean reports at Lake Forest High School throughout the month of March. Readers are reminded that these reports are the result of situations witnessed by the Deans or are related to the Dean via a direct complaint of a teacher or student. Guilt of any party is the sole jurisdiction of judge Dr. Chala Holland.
Up To Something…
A student who did not have an elevator pass was caught riding the elevator on the 9th of March. This student was held in the Deans Office until Judge Holland declared that the student would serve his study hall doing ten sets of stairs from the basement to the third floor.
Charge: the student did not face any charges against his lunch money.
A Dash to Dine
Three students made a runaway on Wednesday the 15th around 11:20 AM during their block day lunches. They were chased by officials for about a half a mile along the bike path until the golf carts finally reached them. The students were cuffed and driven back to the station, where they were held until a parent/guardian came. The sophomore students’ motive? A Foodstuffs chopped salad.
Charge: A Saturday detention and a chopped salad purchased for each Dean once a week for three consecutive weeks.
Bean There, Done That
A student is charged with battery against a Grind barista Monday the 13th due to an inaccuracy in the execution of their order. The student clearly had slept only four hours the previous night, showing up to the popular spot in sweatpants and a t-shirt. When the order was incorrectly made, the student climbed over the counter and started to attack the barista both physically and verbally. Deans found the barista with only minor injuries and the student was tracked down by third period, even more stressed out while taking the APUSH test that catalyzed the initial instability of mind.
Charge: The student was banned from the shop, and got one day of in-school suspension.
A Freshman Fail
A group of five freshmen were caught traveling from the commons area to the second floor through upper commons. Mrs. G stopped the students from passing and left them with a warning. The students continued to pursue their journey through the upper commons, but were repeatedly stopped. In order to prevent further attempts, the school has installed a baby gate at the top of the stairs in order to stop freshman from passing through.
Too Funny Not to Meme
After the PSAT this fall, the College Board finally tracked down an LFHS student who had been creating memes on the internet regarding test questions, which went directly against the rules and regulations of the test. Since the PSAT is not a test that will go directly on your transcript, the student did not face any penalties besides a stern warning.
A teacher that chooses to remain anonymous found empty juul pods in the teacher bathrooms and claims the bathroom “definitely smelled like mango.” Under further investigation by the Science Dept., it was discovered that it was indeed a staff member who used the juul, but that staff member has yet to be identified. Those who know more are asked to schedule an appointment with their Dean or their Instructional Director. In exchange for their service, all overdue fines from the library will be removed from the accounts of witnesses and they will receive one free Blu-Ray DVD check out.